computerphilosopher

Things Hollywood makes out to be cool but suck in real life 4 of 4

Sep 142011

Snorting coke off a hookers ass
Not that I’ve ever snorted coke off a hookers ass or any form of cocaine off anything, I can say this. In order to snort something you need a immobile hard flat surface. An ass is a soft round surface that is typically bouncing(if you’re doing it right.) This is the complete opposite of what you’re “snorting” for. Also by weight cocaine is worth more the gold. You think you can apply that to a women’s ass without spilling half of it?! It’s a totally waste and the payoff is not worth the hype. Now I will admit that I did a myth buster test using a legal powdery substance on a willing participant with no exchange of money. I ended up dumping half on the floor and licking the rest off because the snorting process was dumping the remainder onto the floor. I’m a true believer that you can’t knock it until you try it and this myth is busted.

Things Hollywood makes out to be cool but suck in real life 3 of 4

Movies No Responses »

Sep 132011

Getting into a street fight
How can you make a knock down drag out street fight into a choreographed dance with a little blood and violence added in? Well Hollywood does it every time a punch is thrown or a brawl breaks out. Somehow every punch is more powerful then the last and every man has an invisible power meter that you can overcome with sheer will power. If you’ve ever watched an armature mma event you’ll see time after time that punches are not elegant nor do two men ever stand and trade. real street fights are typically a blur of bodies being throw around and rolling on the ground. The injuries are sporadic and lasting. One guy never has the ability to take on multiple enemies who take turns in their attacks. One guy gets jumped by 2-6 dudes who throw fists, bricks and ghetto stomp him into an unconscious mess. There is nothing glamours or brave about it. Now they (hollywood) have made it ever more unrealistic with everyone being a black-belt in 5 different martial arts. Also since when in reality do hot chicks in heels have the ability to take out 5 full grown men with guns or weapons?

This just doesn’t happen and I appreciate when fight scenes are short, violent and without style. (valhalla rising, the end

Things Hollywood makes out to be cool but suck in real life Part 2 of 4

Movies No Responses »

Sep 132011

Shooting two pistols
Ever since the 1970ies when John Woo hit the movie making market we’ve seen action star after action star wielding dual pistols with surgical accuracy. I won’t rule out that if you practiced this technique everyday from age 4 to now you might have a good grasp of it. That said I’ve watched numerous friends and police officers on the range attempt this stunt. IT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK. My police officer friend had a 9mm Beretta in his off hand and a 40 caliber Glock in is primary. After 3 shots the 9mm recoiled into his primary hand knocking the safety on the Glock. He stopped shooting at this point because it hurt his hand and had to put the Beretta down to turn the safety off on the Glock.
Another friend of mine tried shooting two pistols, lost control in the frenzy and ended up shooting off range. Not only could he not hit his intended target but he couldn’t even get the bullets down range. This prompted the range marshal to eject us for the day. (We did not protest his decision)
Two highly experienced shooters, neither could reliably hit a target with more then the first aimed shot.

Things Hollywood makes out to be cool but suck in real life Part 1 of 4

Movies No Responses »

Sep 122011

Wake up sex or morning sex
The problem with the Hollywood version of this is you can not smell what’s going on, nor can you feel how tired you are. If you put morning breath in a bottle you could sell it as birth control. Sex in the morning isn’t an un pleasureable thing it’s just a complete lie to see a man and women without bedhead, all the energy and romance in the world kissing each other as if they both just at andres chocolates treats.Sex on the beach (or in water)
If this isn’t the best example or Hollywood making something look completely awesome that sucks I don’t know what is. In reality you couldn’t pay me to fuck a supermodel on a California beach or swimming pool. Let’s attack the beach first and I’ll reference pacific coast beaches because that’s where Hollywood typically shoots these scenes. Have you ever been to a California beach? The water is about 60degrees. Its so fucking cold that the mans balls would re-track back up into his pelvic region and his hard-on would be gone in about two seconds. We all know how hard it is to set the mood for a women. WTF does 60degree water do to the mood? Now add in that this water isn’t standing water but frigid cold waves splashing abrasive sand up your asscrack. This sand will also make it’s way into your lady friends nether region and scratch both of you if you continue this fucked up sexual activity. I mention the pool just to cover the base of sex underwater. In order to have sex you have to have lubrication. The women has to be wet or you have to have lube. Water is not a lubricate, it only washing it all way. Have you ever ran your finger across a clean tuber-ware container that grabs your skin with so much friction it makes that low pitched squeak.
This is the equivalent of an anti-lock breaking system where your dick is the brake pad and her vagina is the rotor. It only looks good on film people!

Apple Genius

Tech Support, Technology No Responses »

Sep 062011

The other day I had to install Office Enterprise for Mac and ran into trouble. I didn’t have the DMG file or any kind of recognizable install file. I thought this would be a great time to use my One on One training that I purchased from the apple store! I went online to sign up and activate my account. During the process it asked for you default store, (funny enough the 119th store isn’t listed)
I drove up to the store and walked in. I stood there for a minute before I realized there was a malformed line of earth-colored birkensucks clutching laptops whispeing “My precious.”
After a few minutes I ask for a 1 on 1 and the host informs me they’re booked but I could schedule it online. I inform him I can’t schedule online because it doesn’t allow me to select this store. He say “no this store is in the list.” I reaffirm that it very much is not. He tells me that’s impossible and I’m just not seeing it…. At this point I start troubleshooting him.
I ask is it possible that the store is too new to be listed on the site? I ask if maybe the fact I live in Missouri might prevent me from seeing it?
All of a sudden a little apple shaped bulb light up and he said “yah you have to change your address for KS.”
Fine how do I do that, he sits me down in front of an in-store Mac and gets another guy to help me. I didn’t know that my MAC ID was my full email address so I couldn’t get logged in. At this point the sales guy snaps “Don’t you remember your ID, It’s what you use for Itunes and the applestore!” He then tells me to move so he can type on the keyboard. I tell him I can type in whatever website he wants me to go to. I also ask if there is a bookmark for it being I’m not the first non-mac guy to walk in and not know their mac ID. There isn’t a bookmark but after typing in the first few letters I see the site in the history and ask if that’s it? He pushes my hand out of the way and retypes the entire website into the address bar. Hopefully this isn’t the same genius I’d be talking to later.

Sorry I don’t know my Mac ID that I don’t log into fucking ITunes with. Itunes ate 100gbs of my MP3s and shit them out in an order that resembles schizophrenic categorizing toothpicks by length.

Fuck your Itunes and fuck your little smug face.

I got up and left. I went back the next day and returned my One on One for a full refund. I stood there chomping at the bit waiting for them to ask why. All I got was water downed jabs at PCs and Bill Gates. At least windows didn’t give Bill fucking cancer.

Bumper to Bumper warranty

General No Responses »

Sep 062011

Word of advice next time you’re buying a new or used car and the dealership offers you a warranty. Tell them you’d rather suck a rhino’s dick during mating season. Tell them you’d rather drowned in a homeless person’s buttpee or suck the puss out of an old persons sore before dropping close to one thousand dollars into his wallet.

These “warranties” are fucking worthless. Bumper to bumper, extented protection, total warranty or whatever the fuck they call it, they’re lying. Typically these warranties only cover the engine (and I mean pistons and cylinders) and drive shaft. Anything else is not covered and the chances of the engine or driveshaft having an issue within 100 thousand or even 150 thousand miles are 1 in a fucking million.

Save your money and pass on this worthless as fuck scam to roll another thousand dollars into your car price.

Case in point when Melissa’s PT Cruiser had a drive shaft sensor and spark plug misfiring issue. None of the above was covered by the warranty. When her car broke down on swope parkway next to Troost I knew I had to get it out of there quick. I had it towed to “My mechanic” who doesn’t ass rape me when I take my car to him. Melissa demanded that she has a warranty and that the dealership should fix it. After much to do I finally gave in and had the car towed 30miles to the dumbass place we bought it and the worthless warranty. Guess what, with warranty we ended up paying double what “My mechanic” would’ve fucking charged.

THIS GOES FOR HOME WARRANTIES ALSO but I’ll save that for another rant.

Lesson learned and money down the drain as it usually goes.

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